Asbury Park 2010 | Episode Three
The Road to the Asbury Park Triathlon, July 2010
Sometime during the late, cold months of 2009, musician and decided non-runner Don DiLego, perhaps slightly inebriated, hears amongst the caucaphony of music and conversation in Barramundi in the Lower Eat Side, a couple buddies discuss their plans to compete in a "triathlon man, yes!" in the summer of 2010. Not surprisingly, Don spins to insert himself not only into the conversation, but into the race itself, the 2010 Asbury Park Mini-Triathlon (found out about the "mini" part afterwards). Awkwardly, Tim "Santa's Helper" McManus and JJ "The Deuce" O'Connor agree to share information on said race. In fact encouraging if not daring our hero to enter.
These are the chronicles of Don's path to glory, infamy, and perhaps the infirmary.
Episode Three - Jan 27
When we last visited Don (that's me) in his quest for summer glory, speedos, and manly man stuff, he had suffered a minor yet significant setback on his road to the Asbury Park Triathlon tis July. Though previously thought to be a conquerable "mini" style triathlon, he been incorrect. The reality of the "full-manly length" competition had brought upon what they call in the biz, an "exercise malaise." Not entirely rare, this affliction has visited no less than many other heroic AND historic luminaries such as, the guy who first went to the moon and other guys who wanted to go to the moon. Plus, others.
So as you can clearly and plainly see, Don found himself in, though unenviable, a major AND historically chronicled funk.
Not unlike many of our fabled superheroes of the past and future, Don began to veer away from actually exercising, and began focusing on thinking about it really really hard. With one wowee of a twist...he started thinking about not exercising while in the Caribbean. Genius? You betcha.
And with all this time to focus on not-exercising, he started to formulate keywords for his training going forward. Words that would represent his dedication to his own body. The commitment to being the manliest man in the race. Chiseled out of steel. Emotionless as a rock. Problem was, nothing came to him. Blank. Extra blank. What follows is the actual original list, found in the trash at The Beach Bar in St. John, that Don had begun working on to inspire himself to train hard...
Obviously, there were a few flaws on his list. Another setback. However, after drinking his 4th Painkiller at the bar, Don would have what they call, again- "in the biz", a "eureka moment." The list came flooding out to him. The words that would define his triathlon training henceforth! They were and ARE, in one word...totally so very magnificent and manly awesome. A new day. A rebirth. Training on...but big time.
What follows below, are Don's new keywords that will define his training for the 2010 Asbury Park Triathlon this July. Enjoy.
(Any resemblance to the plot keywords from the 1989 Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell vehicle, "Tango & Cash" , which can be found on the IMDB database, are completely and utterly coincidental. Crazy and zany coincidence. These are totally Don's Triathlon keywords. Manly training keywords.)
- Locker Room
- Shot In The Forehead
- Gatling Gun
- Cross Dresser
- Bare Butt
- Strip Club
- Buddy Cop
- Hand Grenade
- Car Bomb
- Crime Boss
- Organized Crime
- Gender Disguise
- Exploding Building
- Bare Breasts
- Cop In Prison
- Machine Gun
- Female Nudity
- Straight Razor
- Male Nudity
- Brother Sister Relationship
See you at the finish line, suckas! I'm gonna triathlon your face.